I've been up since 4:08 this morning. Is it sad that I decided to write a post at this hour when I could be doing any number of other mindless things: watching TV, playing Torchlight, or some other mindless thing I can't think of at the moment? Perhaps, but a couple of things have been on my mind lately and, by golly, I wanted to rant about them.
First, let me make one thing clear, clear like crystal: I hate Michael Bay. Alright that's strong there, that word hate. I could settle for disrelish(One thing I've been doing at 4am is reading the dictionary).
disrelish[dis-rel-ish] verb
1. to have a distaste for; dislike.[via dictionary.com]
It is my firm belief that Bay should be run down the streets of Hollywood and out of the city by a mob of torch-weilding, pitch-fork-packing—and yes, I'll have torches and pitchforks thank you very much—disappointed movie-goers who've had their souls ripped from their frames and their minds removed from their heads and promptly stomped into the dirt by having seen any of the man's so-called 'movies'. Here let me just throw some things out there to jog your memory: Bad Boys, Pearl Harbor, The Island, Armageddon, The Rock, Armageddon, Armageddon, Armageddon, Bad Boys 2, Armageddon, Transformers, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. If you've experienced any of these train wrecks of moving picture entertainment then you've no doubt noticed the thread of suck running right through the middle of each one. What brought all this on you ask?
Shannon and I broke down and watched Transformers 2 last night, which after mistakenly exposing myself to the first one, I had patently refused to see. I should have gone with my gut on this one. I mean, my God it was terrible. [Spoiler Alert: If you haven't seen the flick, but are planning to, skip ahead now.] In the first 10 minutes you get the jerky, not-really-showing-you-anything- action which will carry you through the rest of the film, AND Optimus Prime murdering a clearly defeated Decepticon by shooting it in the face. Call me a fan-boy but Prime would never, NEVER kill like that. He is the epitome of a great leader with a good soul. This one thing alone would probably have been enough for me to get up and walk right out had I gone to see the movie in the theater(and yes that probably does make me a fan-boy). You're introduced to some new characters right off the bat, two of which will annoy the crap out of you for the rest of the movie. They are, apparently, moronic twin Autobots who've unfortunately adopted the images of mentally retarded hip hop artists as their role models on Earth. Even I was offended by the horrible stereotype and I'm white. The rest of the movie is filled with the ridiculous googly eyes the two main human characters make at each
other at every turn, and the idiotic stumblings of Sam Witwicky's(main
character) parents. Basically Michael Bay has taken one of the most beloved creations from
my childhood—and other boys I'm sure—and pissed all over it.
Also Bay's vision of the Transformers themselves was and is a major issue for me. They're all way to insectoid looking and jagged; you can't even really see what they look like unless you get a chance to stare, and you don't. Seeing them on the screen makes my head hurt, it's like looking at the walking, talking embodiment of fingernails on a chalkboard. And they all look alike! Who here in the audience today could ever tell Megatron and Starscream apart? Show of hands? I rest my case.If you haven't seen either of the movies and you're a fan of the Transformers, my advice to you would be...don't. I was going to say that even G.I. Joe was better than either of the Transformers movies, but that's just crazy. I mean at least Transformers has Megan Fox.
Moving on, this whole thing with Conan and Jay Leno is just amazing. If you haven't been keeping up, NBC has plans to move Jay Leno back into The Tonight Show's lead, or bumping Conan(and with it the Tonight Show)to a midnight slot, using Leno as lead in. Apparently they finally recognized the fact that Leno's own show just isn't doing that well. And that, boys and girls, is because the show sucks. What NBC has not grasped yet is that Leno is about as funny as gravel dust. It boggles the mind really. I find Conan O'brien to be incredibly funny and entertaining, whereas watching Leno is comparable to rubbing 30 grit sandpaper over my open eyeballs.
I think it's entirely plausible that we've somehow crossed over into some Twilight Zone-like world where things like this can happen and seem even remotely normal: craptastic movies made by the likes of Micahel Bay becoming blockbusters, ridiculously big-chinned, late night show hosts getting second chances, and The Black Eyed Peas. Will mankind's afflictions never end?
End Rant. I'm going back to bed.
